I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
