while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize