there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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