If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
