Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
