Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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