i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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