Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
