So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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