I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
