I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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