Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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