Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
