if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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