....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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