i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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