i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
