Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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