I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
