when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
a search helicopter?!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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