He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
