im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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