i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize