Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
