I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
