i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
