you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
