I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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