But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
