I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
