i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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