I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I love having hate sex.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
