I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
