I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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