I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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