Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
