Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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