he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
