Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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