I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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