I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
