i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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