Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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