That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
