I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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