I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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