I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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