I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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