my room smells like sperm. sweet.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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