wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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