When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize