She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
