I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
