I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Randomize
