wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
