omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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