our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
