Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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