I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
