my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You are the jesus of drinking
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
