If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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