I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
