I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
