I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
