I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
sarcasm needs its own font
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
