people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
