This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
tell me about the eggs
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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