It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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