I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
