I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
