i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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