Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
