You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
